The Blood, Sex and Booze: A boy called Kill - Song for the end.

Why did I do it?

At night I would sit in my lonely apartment and turn this question over and over in my mind. How could I hurt my best friend in such a horrid way? Had I not self control, no respect for the man I had injured; not just physically, but mentally.

I had felt so abandoned at the time. I was angry and seeing Billie Joe and Mike in such a happy relationship hurt me. I began to think things. Things I am too ashamed to even admit now. As if I deserved any peace.

I can’t begin to even describe the feelings I was having. I guess Billie Joe has that same problem now. All I know is when I was balls deep in his pretty, tight ass with him writhing and screaming below me; I was in heaven. It made me feel better to hurt something so beautiful and perfect, someone who had given up his wonderful wife and gained a wonderful man. What gives him the right to have everything good in his life? He managed to stay good friends with Adie and the kids? Bullshit.

But no, no. He doesn’t deserve what I did to him. The broken bones, the blood, the cuts and bruises. Not to mention the verbal abuse.

I can’t believe it even happened. It was as if my body was suddenly taken over and I was left watching helplessly behind class. I couldn’t control it.

Call me crazy, call me whatever you want. I don’t care.

I can’t live with this shame. Every moment I relive it, I hear the screaming, the weeping. It’s about time I ended this whole conspiracy surrounding Billie Joe. They think he’s crazy, violent and unstable. Only two out of three of these things are correct; the other is me.

I have nothing and no one left. Probably how Billie is feeling and he shouldn’t be. All the more reason to tell everyone what happened. It’s not like I’ll make it to prison.

****

Mike was in the hallway talking with Autumn while I sat in her office feeling paranoid and melancholy. All this just a week after my last session. I chewed at my finger nails, my legs pulled up tight against my chest, and glanced around at the room I had visited far too many times but never once noticed. Documents hung in class frames upon the walls, photos accompanied them, several small house plants spotted various surfaces and the bookchest held large, leather bond editions each with their own elaborate title.

The smell, I concluded, was of coconut and cinnamon with just a hint of chocolate. I liked it immediately and at once began to feel a little more comfortable. It was easier paying attention when you didn’t have someone distracting you.

However the voices outside were becoming louder, my boyfriend sounded particularly distraught while I could hear Autumn trying to calm him down. What could I have possibly done now? My anxiety crept back into my chest and I pulled my les up tighter to my chest. I concentrated on the smell, allowing it to fill my head and hit the back of my throat; it didn’t taste quite as nice as it smelt, it was just air.

The door behind me opened and Mike took a seat by my side. I didn’t dare look up at him until I felt him gently pat the back of my head. Autumn was sitting close as well, on the coffee table in front of me and the moment I looked into Mike’s watery, blue eyes I knew something was up.

“W-what?” I whispered.

Mike’s eyes widened and I realized this was the first time he had heard my voice in months. Slowly a smile pulled at the edges of his mouth, tears welled in his eyes and he gulped, trying to hold back his tears. I looked to Autumn for some sort of indication to what was happening but she simply handed Mike a tissue.
“I’m so sorry BJ.” Mike blubbered as he wiped at his eyes.

All I could do was watch as my boyfriend mumbled and wept trying to compose himself. Autumn patted him on the back and whispered ‘you’re doing well’ as if he was the one with the problems.

“Someone tell me what is going on.” I softly said.

“He was the one who did this to you. You never touched him did you BJ?” Mike replied.

“Who?”

“Tre. Tre was the one who hurt you. H-he told us. Everything.”

I stiffened and pulled my knees in even closer. I felt like my chest had tightened, the blood in my veins went ice cold and I felt physically ill.

“Everything?” I mumbled.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me BJ? I – I would have believed you baby.”

“No. You wouldn’t Mike.”

He fell silent, really contemplating what he had just said. Of course he wouldn’t have believed me; I wouldn’t have believed me.

“Mike told me everything that Tre said Billie. He admitted it all.”

“But why?” I knew someone just didn’t do that out of the kindness of their hearts.

Mike whined and placed his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry Billie Joe.” Autumn whispered.

“For what?” I sat forward in my seat, “What?!”

Again, my boyfriend let out a hard sob. His body shook with the effort to stifle them but I knew better. I reach out and touched his shoulder. He only cried harder.

“He’s dead Billie.” Autumn said morbidly.

The man may have hurt me beyond time and earth; but hearing that tore me apart. I may have hated him but he was my best friend for a large part of my life. Now, if I was hearing correctly, he was gone?
I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. Autumn took a gentle hold of my hand and shuffled closer. Mike sniffled.

“You see. When he told Mike, and the rest of your friends and family, what had really taken place between you both he left without so much as an explanation only that he was very sorry. He was found this morning in his home.”

“He told us what he had done to you. Raping you and beating you and…and saying those things.” Mike
gritted his teeth together, “For 2 years. Billie Joe, why didn’t I see it?”

“Now Mike, this isn’t your fault. Don’t start blaming yourself.”

“I- I couldn’t let you see. I was too ashamed.”

“You had no reason to be ashamed-“

“Yes I did. What he did to me was degrading, humiliating…I…I-“

“You don’t need to explain.” Mike whispered.

I hung my head and began to tap my fingers against my ankles. Mike continued to sniffle and rub his eyes while Autumn shuffled awkwardly.

“Tell me what happened.”

Mike sighed and began into the long, detailed story of the last few days. I listened as best I could my ears perking up at the particularly relevant bits. From what I could gather through Mike’s sobs, Tre had gathered them all into the studio wreck room, made them tea and then sat down to quietly explain the situation. He spoke of his numerous beatings and of the rape. When doe, he was brutally confronted by, not only the bassist, but the remaining members of the band. He didn’t fight back; he simply stood and took the abuse before fleeing. That’s what shocked me. It wasn’t the Tre I had come to know over the last two years. He seemed more vulnerable.

“Why would he admit all that stuff?” I asked.

“Maybe he was feeling quilt. Putting himself in your situation and then being brought abruptly to his senses? Why he did it in the first place, I can only guess was due to some intense anger problem or some form of MPD or schizophrenia.” Autumn answered.

I swallowed her answer, deciding not to ask question.

“Jason White found him this morning in his apartment. He – he had overdosed on sleeping pills and vodka. There wasn’t so much as a note left behind, no diary, no cassette; not even a drawing.”

I didn’t know how to feel. Upset, relieved? It didn’t seem right to feel either. I simply sat still, my arms grasped around my legs and my forehead against my knees.

“We all know now Billie Joe. It’s over. You don’t have to hide anymore.”

“It’s not that easy Mike.” I snapped, “What he did to me has left scars. Scars bigger than anything I’ve ever seen. It won’t go away with the snap of your fingers. What I felt, what I still feel, won’t just dissolve.”

“No it won’t Billie Joe, but it’s time to close this chapter. I know everything I need to. With some group therapy, family sessions and perhaps some rehabilitation for the self abuse, you will be well on your way. The way you have acted today has proven to me that you are strong and that you are more than capable to withstand the challenges ahead.”

I nodded. Autumns words may have been few and far between but they had boosted my confidence higher than it has been in years. I could do this. I could work at this each and every day and eventually I would be the singer I once was. The lover Mike wants back and the friend to all those that needed me. I smiled, genuinely smiled, and brought my eyes up to meet Mike’s.

He took hold of one of my hands and I answer by wrapping my fingers between his.

“Baby, welcome back.”