A sad affair:

He was a special breed of lover. A soft and touching hand with a personality to match. Sadly for him I have tendency to hurt the ones I love.

Everything started out fine and out life together was bliss; musical and passion fuelled bliss. Our home was a small one, with a room for our bed, a room for our fire and reading, a scullery and a room out the back leading to the yard. Molly would lay by the fender warming her belly, her hind legs kicking at some invisible creature and ears twitching. He loved that dog and when she became a dam to several puppies he was overcome with happiness. He is not a man of emotion, in fact he is rather strong and somewhat of a brute, but when three of the seven puppies had to be culled he almost weep. It was rather beautiful to see such a strong figure crumble.

Back then it was inappropriate for such a union between two men so when we took up house together we were thought of, by others, as The Armstrong brothers. Michael worked the ship yard while I helped our land lord, Frank, with the small vegetable patch behind the house. We ate from this vegetable patch and in the summer we grew strawberries and apples on the trees. Frank also kept poultry which were used on special occasions such as thanksgiving or Christmas. Frank was a kind landlord. He knew of our union and he cared not. In fact, he thought us brave and acted no differently with us. We often joined him for supper and vice versa. He even was kind enough to buy brand new sheets for Molly when the pups were suckling.

It was autumn of 1890 that things began to fray between Michael and I. He was working more and more at the request of his superior and he would come home cold and tried. Our love making stopped and he snapped endlessly at me. I felt inadequate. I am not a stable person and I wasn’t then either. Paranoia, insomnia and anxiety were my downfall but Michael used to call them ‘My beautiful disasters’. But he grew more annoyed with my constant fretting and shuffling in the night. I was kicked form the bed more than once, slapped for being over dramatic and scowled at when I expressed my worried for him.

It was one particularly cold eve that Frank called upon me and we sat by the hearth with tea and scones. He laughed and talked about his previous evening with the Walker twins; two of the most beautiful escorts in Orange County, I dare say. He was giddy with joy, describing every detail of his night of passion and I found myself growing warm with lust. It had been so long since Michael and I had taken part in such acts. I was ashamed that it was Frank I was lusting for but yet I wanted more than ever to spite my lover for his behaviour. I shakily stood from where I sat, crossed the carpet and gently brushed my lips to Franks. He did not pull away, nor did he slap me or violently push me off, he took me onto his lap and deepened the kiss. His fingers stroked through my raven hair and I gripped hold of his shirt.

Needless to say we fucked. Right there by the hearth, Molly and her offspring watching from the corner and the blinds let open. When spent we lay in a tangle of sweating limbs upon the floor. He left an hour and thirty later, I was cleaned and dressed ready for bed by the time Michael came home. As ever we went straight to bed, not a word was passed between us and that night I slept like an infant.

We grew more and more apart as the weeks drew on. I could not bear anymore and drastic measures, I felt, were needed. I was like a maniacal scullery maid or a mad man of the night but oh the joy it brought to watch you suffer. The arsenic, I will admit, was a brutal choice. I gave him little drop after little drop, every day for several weeks. His suffering grew steadily and his delirium was the height of my joy. He cried my name, begging for me to hold him and I obliged. He could not swallow, therefore he got frightfully thin, his limbs were frail and he was eventually confined to out bed. Frank visited but I would not allow a doctor to be called. Nor, thankfully, would Michael.

It was morning of December 19th that I found him cold and stiff upon our bed. I was deeply regretful and my heart swelled with agony to see you in such a state. I called for Frank and he came to the house clad only in his bed clothes and slippers. He kindly led me from the room, his strong arm around my shoulders and comforting me with his soft cooing. He called for his maid, Adeline, to make me tea and to sit with me while he called for the doctor. Everything thereafter he took care of.

That night was a lonely one. I was alone with my undying regret and Molly’s whining pups; the dog had refused to come in from the garden ever since my lover passed. I was expecting the funeral to be the next evening but Frank came to inform me that the doctor had wanted to perform an autopsy on my late beloved. I thought nothing of it, my state of mind was far from rational thinking, and so I sat reading by the hearth. A dim witted move on my part for the good doctor and the police arrived at my door early on the 22nd. I was taken to the jail house, quiet and quite dazed. As I was loaded into a carriage I saw Frank standing with his hands in his pockets watching as I was taken away. The expression on his once kindly face was one of disgust and hatred.

For what I have done there is not deliverance and there is no forgiveness from God; for I was already a sinner in his eyes.