#21: Anytime but now.

For those of you who are still free, run. If I was expecting a relaxing two days at home before hell broke loose, I was terribly mistaken. In fact, according to Mike, I was lucky I wasn’t admitted right away. They were keeping me as an outpatient for now only on the grounds that my mental health did not begin to deteriorate.

As I sat on the sofa that night, watching my eldest and youngest playing the xbox, I thought it rather irresponsible of the hospital to allow this. What if I were to attack the boys? Or my wife?

“I’m holding the ‘gator down honey,” Twitch would murmur to me.

It felt quite nice to have Fink out of the picture for a while. Twitch and I actually had decent ‘conversations’. For a voice in my head, he was a decent guy. The thought that this treatment would kill him was heart breaking and what if, like Fink said, Mike no longer loved me? I needed to see him; the anxiety was too much for me to stand.

“Adi?” I asked walking into her study.

She swung round on the leather chair and smiled at me; she was truly dazzling.

“C-Can I go see Mike?” I asked, “I just feel like some guy company right now, y’know, some drinks and man chat.”

She sighed, “Of course, you don’t need to ask. Is he picking you up?”

I knew she didn’t want me driving and I knew I shouldn’t be either, but I felt so small when she asked me that. I felt 14 years old again.

“I’ll call him and ask.”

“Billie, please don’t be angry for me asking that. You know you aren’t meant to drive.” She obviously sensed the tension and so, to enlighten her, I nodded.

“Yeah, I know. Just is hard for a guy like me, y’know? Mr Independent.”

She stood and embraced me in a hug. I squeezed her back, her body fit mine like a glove and her smell was wonderful. All at once I thought of Mike also and my heart broke. I loved them both as equally as each other. Mike fit like Adi fit, he made my heart flutter like Adi did; he was my male Adi.

Fuck.

“A-adi?”
She nodded into my shoulder.

“You love me right?”

For a moment she didn’t reply. Then she took hold of my shoulders and gently pushed me away so that our eyes could meet. She searched my face.

“Of course Billie. Of course I fucking love you. If you think I would hate you for what happen – what is happening – you couldn’t be more wrong.” Tears formed in her eyes, “I just want you to be happy and well again.”

How do people in the movies do that shit? My heart was shattering more and more with every word she whispered.

“I love you too honey.” I took her face in my hands, “Always and forever.”

In that moment I don’t think I could have hated myself more. I was scum, dirt of the earth and Adi deserved more than me.

“You don’t deserve this, love. You need someone who can provide for you and be there for you all the time. I-I can’t do that anymore.”

“Billie –“

“Please. Let me finish. I can’t do that and it’s killing me. There is a lot killing me at the moment. I love you but I can’t do this to you.”

I kissed her gently on the lips and I could taste the salt of her tears. She whimpered.

“What are you saying?”

“I have no idea.” I whispered.

I didn’t want an answer nor did I want to see her cry. I turned on my heel and trod from the room, through the hallway and straight out the front door. But I didn’t call Mike, nor did I take the car; instead I walked.

“She’ll understand in time.” I thought.

“Honey, do you know what you are doing?”

“No.”

“Okay. I guess I have to back you up, right sugar?”

“Where else are you going to go?” I chuckled, “Not like you can leave.”

Twitch fell silent; my sarcastic and somewhat morbid tone obviously wasn’t working for him. The rushing of the cars and the slight breeze was all I had for company now. I knew nothing only that Mike’s was my destination.

**

“Billie Joe?”

Brittney stood at the front door with her blonde hair tied into a neat pony tail and Brixton proudly balanced in her arms. I did my best to smile but I knew I look like Death’s more attractive cousin.

“Hey, is Mike in?”

“Sure, he’s in the living room,” She ushered me on in, “That plan to play with the kids failed I guess.”

I nodded, “Yeah sucks. He was looking forward to it.”

I walked on through to the cosy living room where Mike was sat by the open fire watching the television. His feet were rested up on the coffee table and there was a white and black bundle of fluff lying on his lap.

“Well if this isn’t the cutest thing.” I chuckled.

He sat bolt up right.

“Oh hey. You didn’t drive here did you?” He scowled.

“No.” I sat down on the couch opposite, “I walked.”

We sat in silence for a moment, just watching the silent television screen. Brittney left Brixton in with us while she went to get groceries and I couldn’t have felt much better if The Who had played in my own back yard. I could finally talk with Mike without the danger of being over heard.

“So, er, Mike can I talk with you?”

“Sure BJ.” Mike said cuddling his son close to his chest, “Shoot.”

“I-it’s about us. Y’know? What happened on tour and all.”

Mike nodded without looking up.

“I love you, but I love Adi and – and what’s going on here is confusing me.”

“I love you too Billie and I do want to keep our relationship up but it’s not right. You know it and I know it. I love Britt but in all honestly not as much as I love you.” He gazed up at me, his eyes said everything he couldn’t and at once I understood; he wanted to be with me, “And I don’t care how wrong it is.”

“But what if Twitch were to go? Would you still love me?”

“Of fucking course I would you idiot!” he laughed, “I loved you years before Twitch even made an appearance.”

He got up and gently set the giggling child into his play pen before crossing the room to sit by me. He pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed me on the cheek.

“Please understand Billie, I love you but right now we need to concentrate on getting you better. I have a wife and child to provide for, so do you and if we were to change anything drastically it could set you back.”

“Yeah.” I replied solemnly.

“You’re all I want in life.” His voice broke, I could hear the tears straining his throat, “I just want you alive and – and yourself again. Only yourself.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and fought hard against the tears. How was I to tell him that he wasn’t the only one I wanted in life? I couldn’t, that was just it.

“M-mike, you’re all I want too.” But that’s just what I told him; another lie.

“Let’s not worry about any of that stuff now. Let’s just do what we are doing and keep it a secret. For now.”

I nodded into the fabric of his shirt but I didn’t like the sound of ‘for now.’ I could tell it wasn’t ideal for him too, call me over analytical but I knew the man like I knew the chords on Blue. The easy thump of his heart echoed into my ear and I felt all the antics of that day fade to black.