To know you is to hate you: Baby steps

 The next day was beautiful and mild by Oakland standards. As I brushed my teeth and fixed my hair in the bathroom I shared with my wife, I listened to the birdsong outside my window and watched as the tree’s swayed in the gentle wind. Not a cloud hung in the sky and I knew that later, if the weather kept up, I would get Stella and Brixton out in the yard to play so games. Of course, Stella was growing up and may not want to play with her old man and Brixton wasn’t old enough but damn it, I can try.

Only one thing ruined this otherwise wonderful feeling; the nearing doctor’s appointment. I was scared for Billie Joe, so much so I felt it may as well have been me getting the tests.

Brixton’s cries pulled me out of my mind and I heard Brittney stirring in the bedroom. She sat up, rubbed at her eyes and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.

“I’ll get him honey –“ I began.

“No, no it’s alright. You’ve got a big day a head.” She paced to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek before setting off down the hall.

I heard her cooing him back to sleep, her delightfully velvet voice and his soft giggles warmed my heart in a way only Billie Joe could. It was both strange and upsetting that Billie was now in the same league as my wife, maybe even more so.

Shaking off my notions, I finished washing and left to get changed. If I was this nervous, how must Billie be feeling? What we find out today, or within the next week or so, could determine the rest of his life. It was a daunting thought.

After getting changed I bounded down the stairs. Brittney stood in the open plan kitchen and Brixton sat in his chair with a bottle of milk sat on the table at the front. He smiled when I sauntered in, his face lighting up and his arms reaching out.

“He wouldn’t go back down so I’m just going to give him his feed now.” Brittney said without turning to face me.

I tossed his fine, blonde hair.

“You had better be good for Mommy until I get back boy, then we’re going to play outside, y’hear.” He giggled and clapped his hands together, “That a boy.”

“Are you going now?”

“Not until I get a coffee and have time to talk with my girl.” I replied gleefully.

But as I sat down at the breakfast bar quilt settled in my stomach. When Brixton clapped his hands again and squealed with delight I felt so wrong. But the fact is I had done it and it felt so right.

“You don’t seem yourself Mike, are you sure you should go?” Brittney set a coffee down in front of me before gently running her fingers through my hair.

“Of course I’m not myself,” I sighed, “My best friend is loopy and I can’t figure out what to do about it.” I shook my head, “I’m sorry to lay this on you.”

I glanced up at the kitchen clock and realized how late in the morning it really was. I bounced from my stool, took a quick sip of the scalding coffee and kissed Brittney on the cheek.

“I’ll be back later.”

“Let me know.”

“Trust me honey, you’ll know when I walk through that door bawling that things are tits up.”

She smiled at my excuse for a joke and waved to me through the window as I left.

********************

As usual I bypassed the front door and slipped in through the back gate. Billie Joe was sitting on a patio chair, a cigarette in one hand and a carton of the sticks in the other. Beside him were his lighter and an ashtray full of butts. I could tell his smoking hadn’t dwindled any since he returned home and I was willing to bet his eating hadn’t gone down swimmingly as I had hoped.

He spotted me but made no attempt to wave or make a greeting, he just sat with his elbows rested on his knees and his cigarette in his mouth. He looked haggard and older than ever with unhealthy bags under his eyes and his hair an unruly mess of dark curls.

I skipped over and stood in front of him. Slowly, he gazed up at me.

“Morning Billie, you ready to go?” I asked.

He lowered his head.

“Adi is coming too. She insists.” He mumbled.

As if on cue she waltzed out onto the porch, pulling the heavy door behind her. She pulled me into a hug and offered to drive. I politely declined. Billie butted out his fag, stood up and pulled his cuffs down over his hands. He looked like a small child trying to just fade into himself, wishing the whole world would go away. My heart just damn near broke at the sight of it.

Adi looped her arm around his and I took hold of her other arm. He made no attempt to grip hold of her hand or to pull her nearer and the hurt was outlined on her face.

Adi climbed into the car first and, like a gentleman, I held the door for her. As I slammed it shut Billie Joe came up and roughly took hold of my hand.

“Mikey. Don’t you be letting anything troublesome happen to us.”

It was Twitch now, had most likely had been for the last few moments. I squeezed his fingers and attempted a smile.

“Twitch I promise we’ll fix this. But – But if we do you might not be around anymore.”

“That’s fine with little old me. I’m willing to die for Billie boys peace of mind. He deserves more than this. Than us.”

There was a tear in his voice, his throat cracking and straining with the effort to stop crying.

“You’re a hero Twitch. A damned amazing hero.” I whispered.

He nodded solemnly, “Sure, sure.” He smiled at me sadly, “an’ you’re Billie’s everything you know? Why, he would sooner kill himself than lose you Mikey. Don’t go breakin his little heart. Y’hear?”

“Only if he don’t break mine.”