#24 Up all night.

It was due to carelessness and ignorance that Billie Joe was allowed to remain in outpatient care. For weeks he had on and off hallucinations, he took his pills as advised and also saw his doctor. Some episodes were more serious than others.

Needless to say Adi was scared for her life. The boys did what they could to help her out and regardless of their young ages; they weren’t scared of their father. Somehow they knew that he wouldn’t hurt them; and I hoped to God that they were right.

Our relationship had grown steadily stronger. Billie Joe always found away to spend more time with me. He used the ‘he’s my best friend, I need him’ speech on numerous occasions and, needless to say, it worked. But the guilt niggled at us both. We lay beside each other in silence, and that silence spoke louder than any words. We loved each other, that was for sure, but it was tearing us apart trying to love our families too.

We fucked damn near everday. It was passionate yet rough. He offered himself to me and I took him in every sense of the word.

But he was always just Billie Joe. Twitch never made an appearance during our sexual games nor, thankfully, did Fink.

I lay beside him, naked and spent for our evening of sex and he laid his head gently upon my chest. I fingered the dark curls, twisted them between my fingers and relished in the softness. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I could feel his hot breath on my skin.

“BJ?” I asked, he ‘humffed’ in response, “What’s it like there?”

He shifted, “Where Mikey?”

I gently patted his head, “In there?”

He took a deep breath and sighed. His arms squeezed me tighter and he entangled his legs with mine. Yet, he still faced away from me.

“It’s cold. Always so cold. Like winter but more bitter. L-Like I am in this baron wasteland of nothing but Ice. In each direction there’s a void. I’m alone and scared. It’s a constant battle to keep power in my own body. Fink and Twitch aren’t the only two personas, I can feel more. One for each emotion, for each side; each face. I’m remembering things that aren’t even mine to remember. And I go to sleep, not knowing what the fuck to expect. Will I wake up behind my own eyes or will it be in a hospital bed?”

I squeezed him tightly and didn’t object when he gripped his nail’s into my skin.

Mikey.” He voice was hoarse with tears, “Its hell.”

A lump formed in my throat. I brought him close to me. I kissed his head, and ran my hands along his skin.

“I’m here baby.” I whispered.

He curled in to a ball, his skin was covered in goose pimples and his body was shaking. I pulled the sheets up over our bodies and held him close to my chest.

“Nothing’s going to save me, you know that right?”

“No. It’s a lie BJ. You’ll make it.”

“You’re naive Michael.”

“You’re a realist.”

****

After a quick shower and a cup of strong coffee, Mike drove me home. The journey was silent except for the constant screams of ‘The Clash.’ The town was quiet and the sun was low in the sky, everything was so beautiful and majestic.

It was undisrupted. The suburbs were just as they should be; Homely and full of peace. We rolled up to my house in Mike’s vehicle and, for a few moments, we just sat listening to the music.

“I feel like a naughty teenage girl.” I said, blushing.

“What? All bitchy and whiney?” Mike joked.

“I feel like, when I walk inside, Adi will know I was up to something wrong. “

“That’s what you call this? Wrong?”

I looked to Mike; his expression was one of hurt. I bit my lip and gazed away.

“You know what I mean. It’s wrong in the sense that we are both married men. S’all I mean.” It was. I nothing about this was wrong, I have nothing against homosexuality. Only thing was, we were both men in committed relationships. And there were children involved.

“Yeah, I know.” Was his simple reply. I could tell that he didn’t believe me.

I sighed, bid him goodbye and jumped out of the car. As I was walking away I heard his door open.

“BJ, wait.”

I turned to face him, my hands in my pockets and my face kept as ill concerned as possible.

“You know I would leave her for you, right? I mean, I – I want to spend the rest of my days with you.”

I chewed on the side of my mouth, “There may not be ‘a rest of days’ for me, Mike. I love you too but you are better staying with Britt.”

He ran up to me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

“BJ. Don’t say that. I couldn’t live without you man.”

“Don’t you say that! Don’t!” I wrapped my arms around him, “I’m not worth it.”

There was silence. Mike pulled away from me and placed a hand on either side of my face.

“You are more than worth it.” He said, his sapphire eyes gazing right into mine.

“S-should we really be standing in my driveway like this?” I asked.

Typical of me. Once things start getting too cheesy, I make a joke. He let go of my face and put his hands behind his back. I smiled, once again bid him good bye and turned to leave.

“We’ll figure this out BJ.” He said.

I continued walking as if he hadn’t spoken.


***

They say only lonely people are up in the middle of the night. Well, I guess you can call me lonely then. Here I was at 3:45 am, standing in the kitchen looking out into the dark back yard. My reflection in the window was, to say the least, frightening. My skin was so pale, my raven hair was matted, my face was unkempt and my shoulder blades and ribs jutted from my flesh. Beneath my once bright emerald orbs my skin was dark making my eyes look sunken. On my chin there was a tuft of dark hair and rough stubble covered my cheeks.

If anyone were to see me they would surely think I was insane. The man staring back at me from the window was not Billie Joe; this man was unknown to me.

I sighed and turned my back to the glass. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I squeezed my eyes shut and growled deep in my throat. Whatever these pills were meant to do, they weren’t doing it.

“What am I going to do?” I asked myself.

Nothing. I got no answer, no sneer; no voice at all.

“Twitch? If you’re there, man, help.” I whined aloud, “If anybody is in there. Help me.”

Twitch and Fink couldn’t be the only two personas in there. I began to pace the tiles and gently beat the heels of my hands off my skull.

“Help.Help.Help.” I muttered over and over, “You can’t be the only two fuckers in there! I am crazy enough to have more homosexual and homicidal fuckers!”

“Shut the fuck you maggot! Jesus!”

“I ask for help and you fucking answer me!”

“I was fucking asleep. Try it sometime fag.”

“Fuck you.”

I growled, threw myself against the centre island and slid down until my ass hit the tiles. What must I have looked like? Sitting in nothing but my overly large pyjama pants with my hands fisted into my hair? Mad.

My stomach gave a painful lurch and I took hold of my chest as my heart sped up. It beat furiously against my ribs, breath caught in my throat and my lungs ached. Ringing sounded in my ears and my temples began to pound.

No.

No. This can’t happen.

My hands were shaking, my skin was crawling; the floor below me span. The pain was unbearable and, in that moment, I begged for God to let it end. How could such a cruel being be part of me.

“Jesus, Jesus.” I muttered.

I began to sigh my Hail Mary’s, something I had never done in my life.

“You really are too weak, Armstrong.”

I cringed as his voice rang throughout my head. I could feel him forcing himself forward, pushing through the brain tissue and trying to get hold of the wheel. I prayed harder but it was no good. He was shoving and struggling too much. I just couldn’t beat him.

Next thing I know I am awake, but not in control. I can hear and see everything going on around me but I am helpless to stop it. Fear sets in as this monster gets to his feet. After months of nothing and now this, where had my control went? Had my strength and passion fallen that much?

“Fuck you’re a wreck.” Fink, I, said aloud.

He stood in front of the glass and started to inspect himself. He poked at his eyelids, pulled the flesh beneath them down and gazed at the innards of my eyes. He flexed my fragile muscles and twisted my mouth in a un-amused smirk.

“Fucking wimp you are.” He snarled, “Say. When was the last time your bitch got any?”

“No Fink, no. Please. Leave her alone!” I begged.

“She doesn’t’ have a damned clue about you and Mikey boy, does she? And Tre ain’t gonna rat on ya. Fuck, I bet even Brittney has no idea. Tut tut Billy boy, you know what you’re doing is wrong. You always talk about truth and honesty; well your morals are a farce.”

“Who are you to judge me!?”

“I am you. I am in control; I am god.”

If he was ‘God’ then please, send me to hell.