The biggest truth I ever told.

It’s hard. If you can’t control what you are feeling inside. If you can’t refrain from watching the blood in your veins course and slide down your skin. It’s mesmerizing. Because in that single moment nothing else matters except for the numbing.

“Do you know what you’re feeling?”

“No.” Pause. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

Silence.

You hurt everyone around you. Continually. And it seems selfish, oh it seems so selfish, but it’s all you know. You’ve probably been taught other ways to cope, but this works for you. It always has. Feeling the hunger in your gut, the claws pull the lining of your stomach in on itself in a bid to feed its self. It all gives you a sense of satisfaction, much like the blade. Why? I don’t know, I wish I did because then I could find a way to stop it. Hell, I would do anything to stop it. But it just feels so right, and so good.

I used to want help. I used to really want to get help. Now I realize I don’t, I realize that I’ll only fight against it. So, I would waste time, resources and most of all I would hurt everyone more.

If any of you have been there, you’ll know how hard it is. You’ll know about the rush you get, the desperate need and hunger for self abuse and self discipline. It’s like a high. It numbs your whole body, helps you relax, helps you release stress and helps you sleep. It can also wake you up. For me, it was always better than coffee; and I love coffee. Given a choice between cutting or starving and a nice drink of coffee. I always chose the latter.

“Why do you do these things?”

“I don’t know.” Or “Different reasons.”

“What reasons?”

And that could be anything. Ranging from a nasty glance to child abuse. For me, never so severe as child abuse and I thank god for that. But some days I would wish that it was as bad, just so I could have a reason to justify my behavior.
Very often, if you’ve been there, you’ll know that suicide isn’t just a word. It’s a thought that enters your head almost every hour of every day. You plan, you scrap and then you plan again. You can try or you can never try. It doesn’t matter, fact is it’s there, the thought is there.

“I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.”

Maybe you do, but I’m not going to pretend like I don’t. Pretending doesn’t help. At least not pretending to your self. Convincing others can be hard, if you wear your heart on your sleeve. I did, but then they gave me these anti-depressants and now, I can hide behind a mask of smiles and jokes. But I can’t cry. And I think that’s the worst part. Not being able to shed your tears.


“Razors pain you, rivers are damp, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, gun aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live.”

Quotes from 'Girl, Interrupted.'