“Male. 5’10 in height. Approximately 11 stone 3 lbs. Been missing for over 3 weeks now, and his beloved wife is becoming increasingly worried.” Walter tapped his pen upon the paper, “Verdict?”
“Before I ask for more detail on said man, can the wife afford our services? I mean, it’s not going to be another solve and chase, is it?”
“How can you care about the finance when someone’s life is in danger?”
“I don’t care for people. Money, I care about. It’s like my baby.”
Walter sighed and continued on with the account of the missing person.
“We have other cases, Walter. This is far too easy.”
“Oh? And what do you propose the conclusion to this case is?”
“Her husband is in Italy with, no doubt, the nanny. Or he could be in Italy with his neighbour’s wife whom, if you bothered to look at the other cases, is also missing from the exact date this man is.” Helms leant back in her seat and crossed her arms behind her head, “Next?”
Walter pursed his lips and searched through the other cases. He whispered to himself as Helms took a drink of her tea and awaited his reply eagerly.
“Ah, here’s one. Young female, 16 years of age. Missing about a week ago, never to be seen nor heard from again. Mother and father both seeking help. So, tell me Helms, how can you possibly solve this in less than 5 seconds?”
“Young woman, 16, teenager. Problems with the parents, perhaps a boyfriend. Ran away from home.”
“And how do you know this?”
“Anna Hoppkins, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Saw her down in the ship yard just yesterday. Hair pulled up under a cap and wearing boy’s clothes.”
“Tell me, Helms, how do you know all of this? How do you know that a teenage girl simply ran away form home?”
“I was once a teenage girl, Walter, and trust me, all you wanted to do was run.”
The dog gave a grunt and Walter gave it a kick to the ribs. Obviously annoyed with Helms quick assessments, he left to look through other files.
“Helms, you answer none of these and you wonder why you have nothing to do!”
“I have a perfect amount to do. Study the art of science, chemistry and biology included. The works of a fire fly are most interesting.”
“You do talk a lot of bull.”
“Touché.”
*
The perfect case had been found, although it took some persuasion to swing Helms in it's general direction. Eventually she realized that, really, she had no immediate answer.
That evening was spent with Helms at her desk analysing the facts and quickly scribbling notes on the subject. Walter took his beloved wolf hound and went home.
Numerous cups of tea were went through while the mountain of pages grew. Papers were balled up and throw into the waste basket, the tip of the quill was broken several times and the spy glass was produced on numerous occasions.
When morning broke, little ground had been gained.
“Good morning, Helms.” Walter hung his hat upon the stand and threw his cane to the side, “Another night well spent?”
“Oh get off it. I have gotten about as far as you did with that Mary girl.” A cup was thrust in his direction, “Now, make me a tea. Or coffee. Whichever is stronger.”
Walter frowned; she always had a delightfully smart answer.
“Coffee then.” He droned.
While he worked in the kitchen, Helms flicked through her results of last night.
“I just don't understand it, Walter. Every approach I take all leads to dead ends. This one truly is a mystery. 5 dead persons. All male. All contracted a strange illness, which has no medical name nor any appearance in the bloodstream, which lasted approximately 7 days. All 5 of the males had been within St. Thomas' hospital at least 4 weeks before illness became full blown. ”
“I knew this case was for you.”
“Not so much for me as frustrating me.”
Walter handed the woman her coffee, by which time had been made Irish. She sniffed it, dipped a finger below the surface and lapped off the liquid, before settling further into her chair.
“Did you find anything interesting?”
“Yes, in fact I did. At precisely 3:40 am a shaggy tabby cat came scratching at my back door. I left my desk and let the poor thing in. After feeding her and warming her by the fire, I actually discovered that 'she' was a 'he.'”
“That's it? That's your interesting discovery?”
“It looked like a female. Thin face, no bollocks – you know?”
Walter rolled his eyes, “You are unbelievable, Helms.” he sipped his drink, “And were is this tom cat now?”
“Asleep beneath my writing desk. Wrapped in one of your old woollen sweaters”
“Old? The black one?”
She nodded.
“That's not old? I left that here yesterday. Helms!”
She shrugged, “Pity. Lazarus really likes it.”
Walter watched her, shaking his head and contemplating how to insult her. Even after several moments, he had nothing.
“Back to this case, Walter.” She got passed him three single sheets of paper, all scribbled upon, blotched and with man eating flowers in the corners, “Now, if you notice the the bullet points here,” she pointed, “and here,” and again, “I have looked at all the possibilities. I have read and re-read three or four books surrounding any medical illness and physiological and these three pages list my current theories.”
Walter flicked through them, “None of which you seem to like as an answer?” he raised an eyebrow and gestured to 'THESE ARE ALL OBSCENE' written across the middle of the last page.
“It's not that I didn't like them, per say. It's just they are all so obscene.”
“Helms, only a small handful of these fit the description of the illness. In all reality, we should really be going to the hospital and families and gathering more information.”
“Oh good. Well, carry on then. I'll be here. Waiting. And petting my cat.”
Walter tossed Helm's her jacket.
“Get up.”
“You know I don't like hospitals.”
“You don't like people.”
“Yes -that's true, but -”
“You're not human.”
“It's overrated.”
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